Have you ever noticed how fluffy the clouds can be at times? While driving to Montreal I was completely fascinated by them. It was as if I was seeing them for the first time since my childhood. As a child I remember laying in the grass with my friends at recess and starring up into the clouds trying to make out shapes. We could spend hours letting our imagination run wild. It wasn't until this drive to Montreal that I remembered what that felt like. Random thought I know, but this is just one of the many thoughts running through my head as I lay here in this foreign bed in the middle of downtown Montreal. As this thought passes I am struck with the realization that as foreign as this place may feel right now it will be my home for the next month. This is the first time in my life that I am living on my own without any family nearby and of course I pick a city where English is not the first language. Even though I am nervous and yes, a bit scared. There is still a sense of excitement and liberation about this journey I am about to embark on. Hmmm, how fitting is it that Moksha means freedom in Sanskrit?
As I sit here writing this post, it is exactly one week before I leave for my yoga teacher training in Montreal. The last year, nine months and two weeks leading up to this moment has been a roller coaster of emotions. There have been many days and nights of self doubt of whether it is too late in life to be trying to follow this dream or I am being a horrible mother by putting my desires before my children. One of my biggest fears is whether I am cut out to be teaching yoga? I counter these thoughts by telling myself that a dream could never become reality without an attempt; it is only 30 days of their entire lives and my kids will be fine with their father; and when you love something as much as I do yoga, the tools you need to share it will be provided by God and the universe. Even though I know these things to be true I am still nervous as hell, but I guess that is normal.
This week I have been really preoccupied with getting ready but I have also been trying to stop and take in every moment. Sometimes when we take a moment to be still we catch the signs that arrive is subtle messages to comfort us. This week those signs came in the form of an unexpected message from a friend, comforting words from a stranger and incredible support from my Sangha family. I am so happy that I took the time to acknowledge these moments. They have definitely helped me. Before I go I wanted to share an analogy that came to me. For the last week I have likened my nervousness to the term butterflies in my stomach. Then I thought to myself when a butterfly starts out it is a caterpillar. Cute and fuzzy but not necessarily appealing. However that caterpillar takes it time and endures it metamorphosis to come out on the other side of change as a beautiful butterfly. Really and truly, that is all that I could hope for in my training.